Choose Happiness

“What are you most afraid of,” he asked staring straight into my eyes as if he already knew the answer. The stare that could only force out of you the truth.

“Happiness,” I said casting my eyes away from his, fixing them on the rose bush right behind him

He laughed, for long enough to make me grab my bag and get going. But he stopped me, pulled me close and asked angrily, “Why? Why can’t you just be happy?”

I released my arm from his masculine hands and said, “Because it never stays. Everything else stays- the pain, agony, unwanted memories. But happiness flees far too quickly. Far too quick for me to enjoy its presence, far too quick for me to actually say that I am happy. And then it doesn’t come easily. Everything else comes easily, but happiness, no matter how hard I try, is just not destined for me. And now I am afraid of it because I have known pain too long that my survival is defined by pain and not by happiness. So please, quit trying to bring happiness into a home that welcomes pain, it will never be met with love.”

“My dear, you choose to live in pain. Choose happiness. Do not merely let it enter your life by coincidence. Choose it, just like you chose pain. They are both essential for your survival. But please, choose happiness over everything whenever you are able to and then you will see that it will never flee. I promise” he said kissing my forehead and heading his way.

I stood there, for a few moments, or longer- I cannot remember. But I remember a little girl passing by me with an ice cream cone in her left hand, her right hand gripped her father’s hand. She was happy. She must not have experienced pain. And I prayed she never did because pain is always harder to let go of and I just wish someone had understood that I was afraid of happiness because I did not know what exactly it was.

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